There must be a word in some language, somewhere, for the unique form of existential angst that consumes you (me) upon seeing the contents of a celebrity’s meticulously organized, wildly overstocked fridge. I, for one, had to have a small lie down when, in what felt like season 72 of The Kardashians (but was, in fact, episode 5, season 1), the cameras panned over several acres of beige furnishings before focusing on a glass-fronted refrigerator filled entirely with green produce—arranged, I assume, by the chef who cuts the family’s cucumbers for them, and topped with a crown of asparagus spears. If you would like to take a closer look at this “stunning see-through” behemoth while mentally calculating how big a hole it’s responsible for in the ozone layer, you can get an “exclusive” look over on Kourtney Kardashian’s Poosh.
Otherwise, you can head over to Goop, which, as we all know, is a very different thing from Poosh, and take a gander at Gwyneth Paltrow’s refrigerator instead. Even though I assume AirBnb’s newest host has been frantically busy filling her Montecito guesthouse with Goopy guest swag (how better to combat loneliness than with a $1,249.00 Kiki de Montparnasse Gold Wand?), she managed to find time on Friday to give her goopies a tour of her own stainless-steel refrigerator (“I guess this is a trend that’s going around?”). Yes, Gwynny, look what TikTok hath wrought.
As it turns out, the fridge in the “old Faltrow-Martin house” is relatively—some would say suspiciously—normal in terms of both its size and contents. Where are all the bee venom and sex dust? There may be a gua sha tool hidden between cans of Cameron Diaz’s organic, vegan-friendly Avaline rosé (good for taking your mind off losing half a day’s skiing), but there’s also French’s mustard (the only mustard) and leftover zucchini fritters from “boyfriend breakfast” (the inverse of girl dinner).
Goop and her progeny also refuse to take sides in the milk versus mylk debate–“[there’s] heavy cream, there’s half and half, there’s regular milk, plus almond milk. Span the spectrum of milks here!”–and a veritable cornucopia of not-sodas (Paltrow, to no one’s surprise, is a Pellegrino woman).
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Is it the kind of fridge you might actually want to raid in the middle of the night? Surprisingly, yes. Will you be allowed to during your Airbnb sleepover? Probably not. Back to the guest house, you lonely pleb. Just kidding. I wish you well.
This article originally appeared in British Vogue.
